The (Not So) Fabulous Life of an Atomic Mom….
Just another WordPress.com weblogArchive for November, 2008
Just dance.
I had a job interview this morning for a job that I think I would really love. There are a few drawbacks though.
Right now I work 3 twelve hour shifts a week with an occasional bit of overtime (very rarely though). I don’t like my current job..at all. I do, however, really like most of my co workers. My schedule is flexible, I earn PTO at a decent rate…my pay could definitely be higher (I’m at the very bottom of the wage pool) and I can’t even tell you how much I dislike my manager. It’s department wide too…not just me.
It’s not union…which could be both good and bad (considering I pay over $120 in union dues a month) and I just really enjoy having my days to do what needs to be done and still getting 4 days a week off. Are they always the days I want? No, of course not…but do I like them. Hells yeah. I also only work 3 holidays a year and either get paid double time and half or I get 12 hours into my PTO bank, my choice, or I can even take a different day off during that week.
New job is in a really nice family practice office using my degree (finally!), it’s mon – fri..still with varied hours though so some days I’d be home by 4:30..others not until 8:30 but would have every weekend and holiday off, an hour and a half daily for lunch…what seems like a nice friendly group of doctors and support staff and they all seem to love their job there (huge plus for me, I love when everyone loves where they work even if they don’t love their job every day). I don’t get PTO…so any vacation I would take would be unpaid (my current position offers enough flexibility that if I need less than 9 days off I can just rework my schedule and not take any vacation time but I still earn it if I need it) and I would be driving an hour to work two extra days a week.
Maybe I’m not as torn as I thought. Maybe they won’t even call me back (huge possibility). I may hate my current position but I like having time to do what I want..time home with the kids, no daycare (forgot about that one..that would be an extra cost incurred in switching) and I still get two weekends off a month, kind of. But I’m really drawn to the fact that I would actually love my job…but I would hardly ever see my own kids but I would be here on weekends and would be back on a normal schedule where I actually sleep at night.
Gah..see, I am torn. Anyway, on the way home as I was debating this stuff in my head that song came on and it reminded me of an episode of Grey’s Anatomy where that’s Christina’s solution…dance it out.
I’m dancing it out in my head. Here’s to hoping I’ll just know…if they even call me back. Maybe the pay will be so much more than what I make now that it will make the decision for me.
Yeah…here’s to hoping.
Just for today.
Do any of you know that email that went around awhile back? It was titled Just for Today…let me see if I can dig it up and I will post it at the bottom of this note.
That is my inspiration today. Today I’m going to get the kids from school…we’re going to go do fun stuff. Yes, homework is still important…but just for today we’re going to go do the fun stuff…we’ll do homework while we stay up late..and we’ll eat popcorn while we’re doing it. Why?
Because I’ve realized that I’m the mom. I can do what I want…and it doesn’t always have to be what society dictates. Make your beds before school, feed the dog, do your homework, pick up your dirty socks, put the toilet lid down so the dog doesn’t get poisoned by toilet bowl cleaner, always say Please and Thank You.
I feel like I’m running a small country and I’m the nasty dictator. I’m always frustrated and angry. Then today…I realized something. I really miss my grandparents. Why do I miss them? Well besides the obvious fact that I loved them very much and they transcend everything I believe to be wonderful in this world…that’s the kind of people they were.
You could have a fudge pop before dinner…you could make hot chocolate on a 90 degree day…you could rummage through grandpas garage to find things to make play houses out of and even though he grumbled he would sit down on the swing and drink your pretend tea. They never ran out of chocolate pudding. This is why they made fantastic parents. This is why they made the best grandparents.
I’m sure, as I do almost daily, my dad wonders what he could have done right or even done better as a parent. I’m sure he wishes he could have just taken a mental health day and picked us up and gone to the ice cream shop if he could have afforded it. He didn’t have that luxury…but I do, and yet I do nothing with it.
I work 3 days week..nights actually so there is nothing in my way. I make personal excuses to myself as to why I can’t…dishes, laundry, the vacuuming, the dusting, the house might somehow burn down.
When did I become this person? When did I become the type of parent that could never bring herself to do something just for the fucking hell of it, because I want to. I’m 31 years old…I’m a grown up (most of the time) I live on my own, I work a full time job…and I love my kids more than anything else in my realm of comprehension.
When did this all happen? Trust me..I used to be the life of the party. I loved anything and everything fun.
For some reason I had to get this out and hopefully for the few moms that are out there and reading…you’ll want to be the fun mom for today too. There is nothing wrong with skipping homework once and grabbing a Happy Meal to eat at the park and not come home until dark.
You have one childhood…it’s over…was it everything it could have been? Maybe, maybe not. You are one parent…you can choose to make your kids have the kind of childhood that they look back on and think “You know what…she was a hard ass, she ran a tight ship, and she was bat-shit crazy sometimes, but my mom was the best”.
It’s one day. Out of an unknown number. How are you going to spend it?
Here is the poem. It’s long but hopefully it will stick with you.
Just For Today
Just for this morning,
I am going to smile when I see your face…
and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning,
I will let you wake up softly in your flannel p.j.’s…
and hold you until you are ready to stir.
Just for this morning,
I will let you choose what you want to wear…
and I will say how beautiful you are.
Just for this morning,
I will step over the laundry to pick you up…
and take you to the park to play
Just for this morning,
I will leave the dishes in the sink…
and let you teach me how to put your puzzle together.
Just for this afternoon,
I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off…
and sit with you in the garden
blowing bubbles.
Just for this afternoon,
I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you
scream and whine for the ice cream truck…
and I will buy you one, if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon,
I won’t worry about what you are going to be
when you grow up…
I will simply love you for the joy you bring me
Just for this afternoon,
I will let you help me make cookies…
and I wont stand over you . . . trying to ‘fix things.’
Just for this afternoon,
I will take you to McDonald’s and buy us both a ‘Happy Meal’…
so you can have two toys.
Just for this evening,
I will hold you in my arms and tell you the story of how you
were born…
and how much we love you.
Just for this evening,
I will let you splash in the bathtub…
and I won’t get angry when you pour water over your sister’s
head.
Just for this evening,
I will let you stay up late…
while we sit on the porch swing
and count all the stars.
Just for this evening,
I will bring you glasses of water…
and snuggle beside you for hours…
and miss my favorite t.v. show.
And tonight when you are sleeping safe and warm in your bed,
I will think of the mothers and fathers
who mourn for the children they have lost.
I will remember the parents who sit by hospital beds,
watching over the little ones they love.
I will weep for those parents whose children are cold,
hungry and suffering,
and …. this evening,
when I kneel down to pray,
I will simply be grateful for all that I have
and not ask for anything…
except just one more day.
Today was gorgeous!
So here it is. The first week of November and it was sunny and 70 today…and supposed to be even nicer tomorrow.
I love it when it’s like this. Sunny, warm, gorgeous fall colors everywhere and no kids or husband home to foul it for me. The kids were at school and I managed to get the entire house cleaned. That was quite the feat. This place has been a crap hole for awhile now. I hate that I have to work tomorrow night but oh well.
I’ve learned to be thankful that I have a job at this point (although with their seperation packets going out, that is also up in the air) and I will work as much as I can to try and get things paid off.
We are a month away from being caught up on all of our bills. Then I can focus on getting some emergency funds into savings and then paying stuff off by the first of the year. A little behind where I wanted to be but still not too bad.
My favorite time of year is coming and I cannot wait. I was going to buy all new decorations for the Christmas tree this year but have decided to wait until the ones that I want go on sale after Christmas. Then I can get them for half off…unless they go on sale for that before..then I’ll start picking them up then. I’m excited, I have not had new tree decorations in 13 years. Not a single bulb..only lights because they keep burning out on me.
I’m also husband-less for the night tonight and I’m glad. I get to watch what I want on TV, sleep in the middle of the bed..and even read for awhile if I want to. I really can’t ask for a better night. Dinner is in the oven and the house smells like baked chicken..yum.
I’ve also gone over our wedding pictures (even though I found out my dad shorted us almost 100 of them) I have to pick 4 that I like the most so Nick and I can choose which ones we want blown up for the wall. I’ll post my favs here and his when he chooses them. We each get to choose 4…if any are the same, then those are a given..any others and we have to decide between them or split..however it works out. I really do love our pictures…I wish some things would have been done differently, but who doesn’t.
Here are my pics for top 4…I think (man this was HARD to narrow down)
Number 2
Number 3
and Number 4
But then I think we should have some of family and the wedding party too. I’m lost…I’ll never figure this out, or my head will explode trying. Maybe I should just put it off for another few weeks and go back and look again with fresh eyes.
I just wanted to post something…to remember that the first week of November was not crappy, that it was sunny and beautiful, and I actually enjoyed it..guilt free!
