The (Not So) Fabulous Life of an Atomic Mom….
Just another WordPress.com weblogTis the Season!
I love the holiday season. Not so much because it costs money to make it through, but just because of that feeling I get..I love dressing the house up, putting up the tree (especially going to cut the tree to bring home). I think it’s because we spend more time together this time of year.
I hate the cold but love that we all look forward to the same things all winter long…picking out a Christmas tree, decorating, setting up, and when that’s all over it’s time for snowmobiling. Cannot WAIT to get to that part.
It’s also the season of giving, and I thought I would share what we do as a family during the holidays to help those in need. I should actually do it all year around but for some reason we don’t…we start when the temps drop.
I buy a full bag of groceries every two weeks and drop it off at the local food bank. We also either pick a family or we each pick a person to buy a couple of small gifts for either through work or we do the Toys for Tots. We also donate all of the kids’ mittens, hats, winter coats, and snow pants from last year when they get new.
I think everyone could help if they just knew how. A full bag of groceries costs less than $20. Most of it is canned or boxed with a roll of papertowel or toilet paper tossed in. That $20 makes a huge difference, even if you only do it once a month. I’ve looked into starting to volunteer as a family at a shelter. Not too long ago I used to volunteer a lot, then I started working at the hospital..which has turned into a time suck. First it was 5-6 12 hour days in a row, now it’s 3 twelve hour nights with a day to cover, a day to clean, and a day to rest. I need to figure something out. I go to bed knowing I’m lucky and blessed. There are people 4 blocks away that have no home, no food, nothing to keep them warm.
I don’t have a lot…but to some people it’s everything.
I’m asking for you to do just a little homework…find your local food bank, hit the grocery store sale items and see how much you can cram into a grocery sack and drop it off. You go grocery shopping anyway right? Even if you don’t have a lot…if you’re reading this then you have more than some. It tells me you have a computer, internet, and a warm place to sit while you use them. Trust me, you’ll still be smiling when you go to bed that night and you’ll sleep great. It feels good to do something, to share what you have even if it’s not a lot.
I’m also doing something new this year, to kind of go green for Christmas and to save money. I’m shopping at second hand stores. I haven’t been to the Goodwill yet though I’m not opposed to going. I did end up buying a brand new pair of slippers for my daughter’s birthday (which is tomorrow…my baby will be 6) because…well used slippers to me are gross…along the same lines as used underwear or socks. I just can’t do it, as long as we can I will always buy brand new underthings. I did buy her a Barbie brand stable with two horses for around $10, do you have any idea how much that stuff would cost new?! You can’t even tell they were pre owned except they don’t have a box, they’re still shiny and smell like new plastic.
There are great things to be found..and it helps the wallet at the same time. Try it, it’s actually fun.
‘Tis the season of giving people!
Just dance.
I had a job interview this morning for a job that I think I would really love. There are a few drawbacks though.
Right now I work 3 twelve hour shifts a week with an occasional bit of overtime (very rarely though). I don’t like my current job..at all. I do, however, really like most of my co workers. My schedule is flexible, I earn PTO at a decent rate…my pay could definitely be higher (I’m at the very bottom of the wage pool) and I can’t even tell you how much I dislike my manager. It’s department wide too…not just me.
It’s not union…which could be both good and bad (considering I pay over $120 in union dues a month) and I just really enjoy having my days to do what needs to be done and still getting 4 days a week off. Are they always the days I want? No, of course not…but do I like them. Hells yeah. I also only work 3 holidays a year and either get paid double time and half or I get 12 hours into my PTO bank, my choice, or I can even take a different day off during that week.
New job is in a really nice family practice office using my degree (finally!), it’s mon – fri..still with varied hours though so some days I’d be home by 4:30..others not until 8:30 but would have every weekend and holiday off, an hour and a half daily for lunch…what seems like a nice friendly group of doctors and support staff and they all seem to love their job there (huge plus for me, I love when everyone loves where they work even if they don’t love their job every day). I don’t get PTO…so any vacation I would take would be unpaid (my current position offers enough flexibility that if I need less than 9 days off I can just rework my schedule and not take any vacation time but I still earn it if I need it) and I would be driving an hour to work two extra days a week.
Maybe I’m not as torn as I thought. Maybe they won’t even call me back (huge possibility). I may hate my current position but I like having time to do what I want..time home with the kids, no daycare (forgot about that one..that would be an extra cost incurred in switching) and I still get two weekends off a month, kind of. But I’m really drawn to the fact that I would actually love my job…but I would hardly ever see my own kids but I would be here on weekends and would be back on a normal schedule where I actually sleep at night.
Gah..see, I am torn. Anyway, on the way home as I was debating this stuff in my head that song came on and it reminded me of an episode of Grey’s Anatomy where that’s Christina’s solution…dance it out.
I’m dancing it out in my head. Here’s to hoping I’ll just know…if they even call me back. Maybe the pay will be so much more than what I make now that it will make the decision for me.
Yeah…here’s to hoping.
Just for today.
Do any of you know that email that went around awhile back? It was titled Just for Today…let me see if I can dig it up and I will post it at the bottom of this note.
That is my inspiration today. Today I’m going to get the kids from school…we’re going to go do fun stuff. Yes, homework is still important…but just for today we’re going to go do the fun stuff…we’ll do homework while we stay up late..and we’ll eat popcorn while we’re doing it. Why?
Because I’ve realized that I’m the mom. I can do what I want…and it doesn’t always have to be what society dictates. Make your beds before school, feed the dog, do your homework, pick up your dirty socks, put the toilet lid down so the dog doesn’t get poisoned by toilet bowl cleaner, always say Please and Thank You.
I feel like I’m running a small country and I’m the nasty dictator. I’m always frustrated and angry. Then today…I realized something. I really miss my grandparents. Why do I miss them? Well besides the obvious fact that I loved them very much and they transcend everything I believe to be wonderful in this world…that’s the kind of people they were.
You could have a fudge pop before dinner…you could make hot chocolate on a 90 degree day…you could rummage through grandpas garage to find things to make play houses out of and even though he grumbled he would sit down on the swing and drink your pretend tea. They never ran out of chocolate pudding. This is why they made fantastic parents. This is why they made the best grandparents.
I’m sure, as I do almost daily, my dad wonders what he could have done right or even done better as a parent. I’m sure he wishes he could have just taken a mental health day and picked us up and gone to the ice cream shop if he could have afforded it. He didn’t have that luxury…but I do, and yet I do nothing with it.
I work 3 days week..nights actually so there is nothing in my way. I make personal excuses to myself as to why I can’t…dishes, laundry, the vacuuming, the dusting, the house might somehow burn down.
When did I become this person? When did I become the type of parent that could never bring herself to do something just for the fucking hell of it, because I want to. I’m 31 years old…I’m a grown up (most of the time) I live on my own, I work a full time job…and I love my kids more than anything else in my realm of comprehension.
When did this all happen? Trust me..I used to be the life of the party. I loved anything and everything fun.
For some reason I had to get this out and hopefully for the few moms that are out there and reading…you’ll want to be the fun mom for today too. There is nothing wrong with skipping homework once and grabbing a Happy Meal to eat at the park and not come home until dark.
You have one childhood…it’s over…was it everything it could have been? Maybe, maybe not. You are one parent…you can choose to make your kids have the kind of childhood that they look back on and think “You know what…she was a hard ass, she ran a tight ship, and she was bat-shit crazy sometimes, but my mom was the best”.
It’s one day. Out of an unknown number. How are you going to spend it?
Here is the poem. It’s long but hopefully it will stick with you.
Just For Today
Just for this morning,
I am going to smile when I see your face…
and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning,
I will let you wake up softly in your flannel p.j.’s…
and hold you until you are ready to stir.
Just for this morning,
I will let you choose what you want to wear…
and I will say how beautiful you are.
Just for this morning,
I will step over the laundry to pick you up…
and take you to the park to play
Just for this morning,
I will leave the dishes in the sink…
and let you teach me how to put your puzzle together.
Just for this afternoon,
I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off…
and sit with you in the garden
blowing bubbles.
Just for this afternoon,
I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you
scream and whine for the ice cream truck…
and I will buy you one, if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon,
I won’t worry about what you are going to be
when you grow up…
I will simply love you for the joy you bring me
Just for this afternoon,
I will let you help me make cookies…
and I wont stand over you . . . trying to ‘fix things.’
Just for this afternoon,
I will take you to McDonald’s and buy us both a ‘Happy Meal’…
so you can have two toys.
Just for this evening,
I will hold you in my arms and tell you the story of how you
were born…
and how much we love you.
Just for this evening,
I will let you splash in the bathtub…
and I won’t get angry when you pour water over your sister’s
head.
Just for this evening,
I will let you stay up late…
while we sit on the porch swing
and count all the stars.
Just for this evening,
I will bring you glasses of water…
and snuggle beside you for hours…
and miss my favorite t.v. show.
And tonight when you are sleeping safe and warm in your bed,
I will think of the mothers and fathers
who mourn for the children they have lost.
I will remember the parents who sit by hospital beds,
watching over the little ones they love.
I will weep for those parents whose children are cold,
hungry and suffering,
and …. this evening,
when I kneel down to pray,
I will simply be grateful for all that I have
and not ask for anything…
except just one more day.
Today was gorgeous!
So here it is. The first week of November and it was sunny and 70 today…and supposed to be even nicer tomorrow.
I love it when it’s like this. Sunny, warm, gorgeous fall colors everywhere and no kids or husband home to foul it for me. The kids were at school and I managed to get the entire house cleaned. That was quite the feat. This place has been a crap hole for awhile now. I hate that I have to work tomorrow night but oh well.
I’ve learned to be thankful that I have a job at this point (although with their seperation packets going out, that is also up in the air) and I will work as much as I can to try and get things paid off.
We are a month away from being caught up on all of our bills. Then I can focus on getting some emergency funds into savings and then paying stuff off by the first of the year. A little behind where I wanted to be but still not too bad.
My favorite time of year is coming and I cannot wait. I was going to buy all new decorations for the Christmas tree this year but have decided to wait until the ones that I want go on sale after Christmas. Then I can get them for half off…unless they go on sale for that before..then I’ll start picking them up then. I’m excited, I have not had new tree decorations in 13 years. Not a single bulb..only lights because they keep burning out on me.
I’m also husband-less for the night tonight and I’m glad. I get to watch what I want on TV, sleep in the middle of the bed..and even read for awhile if I want to. I really can’t ask for a better night. Dinner is in the oven and the house smells like baked chicken..yum.
I’ve also gone over our wedding pictures (even though I found out my dad shorted us almost 100 of them) I have to pick 4 that I like the most so Nick and I can choose which ones we want blown up for the wall. I’ll post my favs here and his when he chooses them. We each get to choose 4…if any are the same, then those are a given..any others and we have to decide between them or split..however it works out. I really do love our pictures…I wish some things would have been done differently, but who doesn’t.
Here are my pics for top 4…I think (man this was HARD to narrow down)
Number 2
Number 3
and Number 4
But then I think we should have some of family and the wedding party too. I’m lost…I’ll never figure this out, or my head will explode trying. Maybe I should just put it off for another few weeks and go back and look again with fresh eyes.
I just wanted to post something…to remember that the first week of November was not crappy, that it was sunny and beautiful, and I actually enjoyed it..guilt free!
and the other shoe fell.
So when things are tough, they’re really tough.
First it was the fuse panel for the entire house right before the wedding, then it was the washing machine right after, then it was just trying to catch up on the bills, then I broke the stove….now it’s the furnace, which is less than 2 years old.
There are days when I honestly think God or whatever higher being is out there hates my guts. This is one of those days…as I sit curled on the couch with a laptop and an electric blaket with sweaty feet and a frozen runny nose. Why this and why now?
I have two weeks until my holiday season officially starts with Avery’s birthday…and ZERO dollars to welcome it. I get to pay for a service call on the furnace and don’t really have the money for it.
Somedays.
Hopefully someday I won’t own a house that betray’s me every chance it gets.
I think that’s about all I have to say for today.
It sucks.
Today’s blah thoughts.
along with the heating bills. We got the estimate on the fireplace. Four thousand dollars. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Three years ago the quote was under $2500…I’m aware of inflation but that’s just ridiculous. I’ll go buy more electric blankets and stuff.
So, I’ve managed to put off grocery shopping for two weeks. I’ve also found that they don’t put many coupons in the Sunday paper anymore, what’s up with that.
I’ve also decided to get my produce from a farmers market that everyone tells me is cheaper but is an hour away…so it’s a draw but it’s got to be better than supermarket produce..which kind of sucks around here.
Now my focus is going to be on selling stuff around the house that we don’t need anymore. I can’t even tell you the last time the kids asked to play the Wii, or Nick picked up his PSP. Those could go and pay a month’s mortgage…by themselves. We have random computer monitors, printers, scanners, surround sound system. All that crap that we don’t use because we don’t feel like hooking it all up.
I’m also looking for either a second job, or one closer to home. I applied for a part time position here, and a full time. If I get either it will help. The full time one will save me gas and 2 hours a day on the road. The part time will supplement the full time job I already have.
Nick wouldn’t know what the hell to do if he had to get another job. He’s never known the meaning of giving something up…let alone giving up time. It will only be temporary but it will help out tons.
I’m looking forward to Christmas this year, it will be small but great I hope. It will be the first year I get to get Nick a real gift. I’m not sure exactly what to get him yet, but I’ll figure it out. I’m also getting new decorations for the tree. Spending money? Yes, but the old ones are cracked, fraying, and falling apart in general so I’m excited. I haven’t gotten a single new decoration in thirteen years. I’ve already found the perfect ones.
We also get our wedding pictures back this week so I’m somewhat excited about those. They’re not what I was expecting so I’m not totally head over heels for them but they’re still really good. I can’t wait to pick out the ones we want enlarged to hang on the wall. I still need to pick a couple of engagement pictures to hang up. I never did get around to that but I have them all on disk.
I just wish there would have been more face shots…more close ups, and more fun shots of my girls and I…we’re all just standing in one spot, looking one way or another. Oh well, what’s done is done, I’m going to deal with it.
Right now I’m debating on whether or not to grab some slippers to keep my feet warm when I go get plastic for the windows. We’ll have to see what I come up with.
So here I am..
After my brief hiatus..okay, maybe not so brief.
Anyway, I’m very excited for this time of year. Fall is my favorite season and Christmas is my favorite holiday. This year we’re using a new tactic when it comes to fighting the cold and getting through the holidays. We’re hopefully getting the fireplace fixed in the next few weeks. The guy is supposed to come back on the 14th and I’m praying that the estimate hasn’t gone up. We’re going to have to really pinch it to make it work at what it was. I will have to flat out tell him we can’t do it if it goes up even fifty cents. We’re also going to basically wrap this house in a layer of insulated plastic wrap. I bought the kids all electric blankets so we could keep the heat dialed down at night. I’m hoping all of these measures work, we can’t afford to pay more for heating than we do for a mortgage payment.
Christmas and the holidays. I’m going to get my old Bath and Body Works store behind me in sponsoring the Angel House this year. Every year they sponsor the battered women shelter downtown. Not that it isn’t a worth cause…but everyone in town sponsors them…last year when we went to drop gifts of, we had to wade through TONS of stuff to get to the desk. They hadn’t checked it all in yet. For those of you that are unaware. Almost every county has an Angel House or something similar (call Social Services or the Red Cross to inquire as to what your local one is called.) This is where all the children that were taken away from their parents for abuse or neglect and are awarded to the state go. These “houses” are their safe houses. The people that work there are THE most selfless people I have ever seen in my life. They get their asses bit, kicked, spit on, beat up, called names and get the brunt of what is left of these shattered children…and they still hug them, read to them, cook for them, bathe them…care for them like their parents never did.
They are always looking for help with supplies, toys, food, clothes..you name it, they need it. They are state funded. And as you know anything pertaining to kids and state funding means they don’t get jack shit. I am excited about getting BBW to sponsor them with me.
I have also vowed that since my children are so spoiled and don’t know the meaning of going without, that’s exactly what we’re doing this year. I’ve set a strict $100 budget for each kid, this means everything. Stocking filler, gifts, candy…all of it for $100 or less. I’ve also vowed I’m not buying anything that’s not on sale AND I’m hitting the second hand stores. I’ve found stuff in these stores that you wouldn’t imagine. My son has 6 school uniforms. All Ralph Lauren….all for less than $10. That was for all 6 uniforms. Yup, major score…and the best part is…when I take them back, they give me store credit to buy more. That $10 investment is going to take me far when it comes to getting more and more clothes for the kids. Same for the girls. You won’t believe what you find there…and they don’t look used or worn. Same goes for toys.
I bought my youngest her birthday present already from one for $12. She’s an avid horse lover…they are all over her room, including a 12×8 ft mural on her wall. It’s a Barbie brand stable with Mare and pony. This thing goes for around $40 in the store brand new. The only thing it didn’t have was the box. Big deal..I’ll smack a big bow on top and she’ll never know the difference.
I’m also going to turn into the coupon queen. I have time, I might as well make it work for me. I’ll look for deals online on products that I buy. I will buy the Sunday paper and clip coupons, I will also shop using the weekly store ads.
Nick and I make good money. Not fantastic, but good. We work full time, have benefits, own our crumbling home…there is no reason we should be living paycheck to paycheck with no money in the bank. Here is why. Before I started working we lived on his income alone. Well, I worked at the mall part time for $7 an hour…for maybe 10 hours a week…that was our play money.
Why is it now that I’m making more than twice that are we broke? We had a wedding to pay for…that’s why, now it’s over. I have a plan to be caught up and have $1000 in savings by Christmas. Why do I say that here? So I can be accountable. If I tell someone, then I’ll follow through for fear of failure and having to admit that we’re too weak to do it.
I’m serious about it too…I’ve told Nick to cancel either the home phone or my cell phone. I want the cable cut back to basic…we don’t need all that other shit. We have games, if he refuses to do that then I’m selling the Wii…no one hardly plays it anyway…it’s a big dollar sign sitting next to my TV. I’m also going to sell the surround sound system. We’ve had it since we got the house….it was hooked up for a week then when we changed the living room around he never re-ran the wire…it sits there, for no reason…taking up space. We have two printers…a camera printer..and I think 3 PC monitors…why? I want to know why we have this stuff lying around..collecting copious amounts of dust and getting in my way?
This is my frame of mine lately. I hate being late on bills…I hate collection calls and we are behind on every.single.bill. That ends now…by the end of the month we will be caught up on all but a few small ones and by Christmas…all will be as it should. We will have bills paid (on time) and money in savings…and working on getting a second car that will hopefully save our ass in the unfortunate case of an accident this winter with the super-sliding, can’t even go on water car. In that case…we’ll pay that one off and live with the beater. No car payment. That’s an extra bunch of money every month…not to mention the drop in insurance coverage for not having to carry full coverage. Why on earth did we ever take on a car payment to begin with? I hate feeling like that. I am fully committed to being debt free in three years, with the exception of the mortgage and student loans. You can bank on that.
That said..I’m looking forward to colorful leaves..the smell of them burning, lots of baking (cream cheese cookies, banana nut bread, and weekly $5 pizza in front of the TV watching a movie). That also means snowmobiling season is soon to come. I love me some snowmobiling. Can’t.wait.
I am also curious in these hard economic times…what do you do to save money? How do you make it through the holidays…or even through the grocery store without going broke? Please tell me your secrets…I told you mine.
My spirits are high…my hope is higher that hopefully this year won’t be so bad as long as we plan for the worst…which is what I’m going to do. I just hope that my husband is behind me in this. He’s not very good at compromise and hates to give up anything he wants…for no reason other than he wants it. I’ve skipped starbucks three times lately…because I would rather use that $5 to put towards a credit card or towards a night for all of us at the movies. He flipped out when I mentioned cutting the home internet because he wants it…mind you he has a laptop for work with wireless access that’s paid for by them….but then he can’t play his world of warcraft. Can I just say that I hope the people that run Blizzard rot in hell for the stress they put on people and the amount of neglect they cause children. I hope they die slow painful deaths and rot in a hell that looks a lot like the game and they just have to play for eternity…no talking…just typing stupid text type and running in circles doing endless quests for nothing more than to hit a level 70…no other reason.
Anyhoo. I think that’s all I have for right now. I’m still waiting for our professional wedding pictures..and still hoping they hold off for a couple more weeks to get caught up financially before we have to pay the balance on them…but I am still dying to see them nonetheless. When I get them I will post a few of them here…because I’m positive I will love them.
And it begins..
(I just found this post…it was in drafts and not published for some reason so I’m going to do that now..man, a lot changes in just a few short weeks)
The drama associated with a wedding. I was informed last night from my ex husband that my son will not be able to attend our wedding. I’m beyond upset. I will feel like my legs are missing if my kids aren’t there.
On top of it small stuff got messed up. Our check to the florist bounced (fun times and stupid banks) and I ordered pictures from Walmart’s online photo center..and they sent them to a store almost 2 hours away. Fucking assholes. So, I have no idea how to get them…did I mention I already paid for them? I emailed and I called. There is nothing I can do about it. So, someday I get to take a drive and go get them.
I’m also getting nervous about this wedding. Only because I’m worried we’re spending all this money on pictures and they’re going to suck ass. I have so much faith in our photographer, it’s just that I’m not the most photogenic person in this world. My nose has a way of ruining pictures (it’s crooked, and noticeably so).
Nick and I were talking yesterday on our way to get $1 hot fudge sundae’s that this summer has flown. He even said “I remember when you told me one morning we had 457 days left until the wedding and we were laughing about how far away it was”. I can’t believe he even thinks about it. Now it’s 27 days away.
None of the dresses are altered, I have a gazillion little details to take care of (hello guest book that’s sat unfinished for 6 mos now), and all but one vendor left to pay.
I was under so much stress for the last couple of months that I was going on 3 mos without a period and couldn’t take a shit for almost 2 weeks. I hate stress, and I’ve never been under so much. Not even when I went through my divorce. I don’t even understand it. I have a secure job (unless I mess up and get my ass canned..which is not on my to do list) we’re making more money than we were a year ago…and I’m more stressed and feel more behind.
I cannot wait for the honeymoon. It means it’s all over and we can get back to life as we know it. Paying bills, hanging out, doing stuff around the house.
Although I did get sick of everything being about past due bills and wedding shit last weekend and we just shut the phones off and did nothing but be lazy and do landscaping in the front of the house. It felt good…okay I’m lying…after lifting 1700 lbs of landscaping bricks and a gazillion bags of mulch I hurt like hell…but it still felt good. We got something done. From beginning to end and still had time to float around in the pool with a bottle of Kalima. It was the best weekend we’ve had in quite some time.
I miss my kids something terrible. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that my son may not be here…that alone is killing me and makes me cry every time I think about it. I’m not all tear-y about the wedding at all…but I’ll really feel like a huge part is missing if Avery ends up not being here.
I only have 14 more work days and I’m off for 21 days…I get paid for 3 of them…but only 3 go unpaid. I love 3 day work weeks and long periods of time off. It’s great. Next summer I’ll only have to take a day or two of vacation time to take the kids to Florida if I time it just right.
I just needed to get some of this stuff off my chest, sometimes if I do that then my brain will work a little better at coming up with solutions to my problems. Not sure how to get out of the fact that I don’t have 20 hours in between the wedding and the flight to Hawaii to take Avery back to Tennessee…but I have to try to come up with something.
I also need to stop having so much faith in people that I really know better than to have faith in. It’s really starting to bite me in the ass.
The Time Has Come…
To head home. We are on the last day of our two week honeymoon on the breathtaking island of Kaua’i. I only dream of being able to live in a place like this.
I also cannot even say how awesome the last two weeks have been, even the wedding. I was (and still am) so grateful that my friend Amanda was able to come from California and stay for 4 days when I know it was anything but easy for her. I hadn’t seen her in forever and wish that I hadn’t been so busy then…we didn’t even get the chance to go out..not once.
My friends were my saving grace, Bert had my back every second. As a matter of fact, the only bad thing that happened was someone stole my chandeliers right off the ceiling of the gazebo before anyone could take them down. Now I have to order a new one since I planned on keeping one for my bathroom…what kind of asshole steals something from a wedding? I bet if I drive by every wedding being held there for the next couple of months I will see them again…hanging from the same spots I had them.
This honeymoon has been heaven, I love it here. So does Nick. This was his very first two week vacation in his life, I think he finally understands why two weeks are really what you need to kick back and relax. One week is still hurried and rushed.
I’m hoping I will have pictures soon, I’m also disappointed that you can see the line of my corset thing through my dress and it puffed out right under the waistband to make me appear about 6 months pregnant. My hair didn’t want to cooperate and I sat on a power cord turning the heat off to half of the food. Other than that it was a good time even though it ended early.
Even as I sit here staring at the ocean and mountains, listening to the birds and the breeze..my mind is half way home with the kids and dog..and the mess that awaits me. I get to go home and spend the next month cleaning and catching up on bills..not my idea of fun, but totally worth it.
I wouldn’t change of moment of it, and am actually looking forward to what’s yet to come.
I Watched a Butterfly Today…
I watched a butterfly today. I was minding my own business when it fluttered right past me while lounging and reading a book…I stopped, and I watched it.
For some reason it made me realize how not happy I am. I should be over the moon happy. I’m far from it. I’m getting married…again (this will technically be the 3rd time) and I’ve had fun planning and working on projects…but I’m not. I’m exhausted, over worked, under paid, ignored, rejected, deflated…and to top it off I’m not even remotely pretty.
This is what 24 hours in my life..and in my mind, consist of.
It begins the night before when your husband pulls the “I’m tired” card on the sex talk. I’m beginning to wonder if he’s cheating or gay. If it’s not either of those then I’ve turned into a fat disgusting cow…but then again I wouldn’t get hit on at work as much as I do if that were true. Maybe it’s just time to take one of them up on their offer to buy me breakfast.
I do however, now know exactly what my ex husband felt like when I pulled the same card on him. For me, I was cheating. I think karma has finally made it’s way back to me. Surprisingly, I’m not upset by the possibility. Maybe the universe and I are finally even. It actually makes me so sad that I want to call and apologize to him…for all the lies and cheating. I have a history. I would be relieved to call it even and move on.
Then it moves on to a night on the couch, surprisingly comfortable when not sharing with anyone other than a large ass dog that snores. Regardless…I actually slept good. My husband was not upset by this…no use in him trying to say he was…he was just as comfortable sleeping alone as I was. It’s life. I’m debating on how well this room will work as a bedroom for me in the near future. I’m honestly to the point that I give up. I want a room…and a bed…of my own. I’m beginning to resent this husband. I get angry and see red just about every time I look at him.
If we continue on this road we end at having to wipe our ass and crotch with paper towels and then tossing trash into a can with no bag…all because we work 12 hour nights, try to squeeze eating and sleeping around planning a stupid fucking wedding that your so far over you really just want to take a good friend on your honeymoon…and surrounding all of that is the fact that you asked said husband to please put a bag in the can two days ago…and like everything else that never really gets done…is sitting not done. Oh, and that no one told me that they got the last roll of toilet paper out of the cabinet so I’ve been blissfully unaware and wiping away as if there is no toilet paper end in sight.
That good book and good friend are what I need most right now…and a nice day off.
Now I know why women, as they grow older, go for younger, hormone driven 22 year olds. They’ll do as they’re told as long as long as their getting laid…then you can send them home, read a good book, and sleep comfortably in your own bed….alone. Single women are on to something. I have a feeling in a few years I’ll be onto the same thing.
We want love…unconditional..sometimes raw, sometimes soft unconditional love. We love kisses and hugs and little touches. We love flowers and candy. I can’t tell you the last time I got a real kiss…or a real hug. it would have been when I handed my kids over to my ex husbands new wife about 6 weeks ago when I didn’t want to let them go…and spent a two hour drive back to Knoxville tearful and alone. I used to get little gifts..candy and soda and iced coffee that meant more to me than flowers or diamonds..I’d give back my diamond if I could have the candy and soda again. I’d give back the ring, the last name, the impending (2nd) wedding, the forthcoming vacation…all of it I would give for the way those little things made me feel…now in their place…just nothing. Why do I put all of my feelings into the way one man makes me feel? Why do any of us do it?
I watched a butterfly today, I watched it and wanted to go with it. I wanted to lie on a flower leaf and soak up the sun, knowing I was beautiful, then be able to move along whenever I was ready…knowing I would feel the same way no matter where I landed.
I think I need some Prozac.
